I know what this sounds like, but let me assure you — The Borg is not a pyramid scheme!

Hey Girl!! 💁🏻‍♀️

I know we haven’t talked since high school, so I wanted to check in on you!! …


Humor

I ate a donut and ruined my radical diet where you don’t eat sugar or anything associated with girliness, joy and positivity.

**By Catherine Weingarten and Kelley Greene**

“[Gwyneth] Paltrow also admitted that the ceaseless stress of an unprecedented medical emergency sparking chaos across the globe pushed her into the warm, welcoming arms of gluten. Hence, alongside those two alcoholic cocktails, Paltrow even found herself “making pasta and eating bread.”- Forbes, 2021


The new Apple gas mask, iFilter.

Acid rain that will get you high.

No one trying to convince you that you’ll like seafood if you “just try it” because all ocean life is dead.

More time indoors with Netflix under a weighted blanket.

No longer needing Instagram filters as the…


Hey there. It’s me, the Filibuster.

I’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately that progressives want me dead. It seems to have caused a fair amount of discourse between them and those who believe I’m significant enough to be kept around to protect the minority party. …


“After 20 months on the ground, Boeing’s 737 Max will soon fly again, ending a tragic episode that cost 346 people their lives…[Boeing] got clearance for the plane to return to American skies after convincing the Federal Aviation Administration that changes in design, software and crew training would eliminate the…


Donald J. Trump has just been “re-elected” for his fifth four-year term, since for the 4th election cycle in a row “someone” has been spying on his campaign, entitling him to an additional term in office. And as a woman in her early 30s, I had so much fear about…


Dear Die-ary,

This veek sucked, again. I can’t believe it’s Halloveen and ve’re still stuck inside our mausoleum. October is the most important month of the year, and yet, here ve are, qvarantined. Just drive a vooden stake through my heart, vhy don’t you?

Vlad has been classified as an…


“Amazon has deleted two job listings posted to its corporate employment website detailing “intelligence analyst” roles that involved, among other duties, monitoring ‘labor organizing threats’ within the company. The listings, which were posted days ago, first began circulating on Twitter earlier today, before Amazon removed them in response to widespread…


As you glance over the menu of life, wondering what to choose — your answer could come from the stars, or it could come from your stomach. …


New Year’s is generally a time when people begin planning a night with friends, buying some nice champagne, and putting together some resolutions. It’s a fun time to share your commitments with family and friends, and enjoy each other’s company.

For those of us slightly insecure self-help addicts, New Year’s…

Kelley Greene

Writer and performer based in Chicago. Sentient wheel of cheese, found online at kelleygreene.pizza or Twitter/Instagram @kelleygreene

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