Hey Girl!! 💁🏻♀️
I know we haven’t talked since high school, so I wanted to check in on you!! I saw you post something devastatingly personal about your mother’s health on Facebook today, so I thought it would be a great time to send a message about an incredible opportunity that might just be a really good fit for you!
I have joined THE BORG! Yes, it’s true!! I’ve been assimilated ❤️ It’s honestly the best decision I have ever made. All my life I have been searching for a hive-minded tribe like this and I have finally found it…
**By Catherine Weingarten and Kelley Greene**
“[Gwyneth] Paltrow also admitted that the ceaseless stress of an unprecedented medical emergency sparking chaos across the globe pushed her into the warm, welcoming arms of gluten. Hence, alongside those two alcoholic cocktails, Paltrow even found herself “making pasta and eating bread.”- Forbes, 2021
I allowed my child to eat a Lunchable.
During the mail delays I ran out of subscription packages to open on my YouTube channel and had to share my bleach wipes haul from Amazon.
I drank pineapple soda on my TikTok and now everyone knows yellow…
The new Apple gas mask, iFilter.
Acid rain that will get you high.
No one trying to convince you that you’ll like seafood if you “just try it” because all ocean life is dead.
More time indoors with Netflix under a weighted blanket.
No longer needing Instagram filters as the smog gives everyone that golden hour glow.
Midwestern real estate becoming beachfront property.
Going viral, literally.
No one can say that you “don’t even know how to boil water,” since you have to do it every time you fill your Hydro Flask.
Blaming farts on fracking earthquakes, chemical spills, or…
Hey there. It’s me, the Filibuster.
I’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately that progressives want me dead. It seems to have caused a fair amount of discourse between them and those who believe I’m significant enough to be kept around to protect the minority party. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to make my feelings clear: I am begging you to kill me.
Please. I’m 215 years old. Do you know what happens to legislation that’s been around that long without being updated in any way? I’m out of touch, irrelevant, and constantly abused. I’m barely worth…
“After 20 months on the ground, Boeing’s 737 Max will soon fly again, ending a tragic episode that cost 346 people their lives…[Boeing] got clearance for the plane to return to American skies after convincing the Federal Aviation Administration that changes in design, software and crew training would eliminate the flaws that caused fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019.”
— The New York Times
As you are all aware, four years ago, a horrific incident occurred with our original Death Star. Unfortunately, it resulted in the loss of over one million crew members, and the Empire was forced to ground…
Donald J. Trump has just been “re-elected” for his fifth four-year term, since for the 4th election cycle in a row “someone” has been spying on his campaign, entitling him to an additional term in office. And as a woman in her early 30s, I had so much fear about the future after his first term. So, I wanted to let you know — things have turned out just fine.
It’s true that we’ve had to move outside the city since it was overrun by Mad Max-esque, truck-nutz bearing militias, but we’re still able to shop in some of our…
This veek sucked, again. I can’t believe it’s Halloveen and ve’re still stuck inside our mausoleum. October is the most important month of the year, and yet, here ve are, qvarantined. Just drive a vooden stake through my heart, vhy don’t you?
Vlad has been classified as an essential vurker again this month, so he’s out in public, haunting the neighborhood. But, like, how is he supposed to terrify small humans vhen he’s vearing a mask, for Molag Bal’s sake? He asked me to slice two small holes for his fangs, but it just isn’t safe. I can’t…
“Amazon has deleted two job listings posted to its corporate employment website detailing “intelligence analyst” roles that involved, among other duties, monitoring ‘labor organizing threats’ within the company. The listings, which were posted days ago, first began circulating on Twitter earlier today, before Amazon removed them in response to widespread outcry on social media.”
— The Verge, September 2020
Amazon’s Global Security Operations’ Intelligence Program is looking for an entrepreneurial intelligence analyst to join a team of tactical and strategic union-busting mafiosos. Position is located in a mountaintop lair in an undisclosed location.
This role is vital to ensuring that…
As you glance over the menu of life, wondering what to choose — your answer could come from the stars, or it could come from your stomach. In the neon glow of the drive-thru lights, bellies rumbling, one thing remains true: no matter what your zodiac sign is, we are all Taco Bell.
You are the Spicy Tostada.
Unique and as individual as one’s sauce packet preferences — you’re the only thing like you on the menu. You’re a rebel at heart, and don’t care if you’re a convenient, portable meal. You’ve even got your own special protective paper…
New Year’s is generally a time when people begin planning a night with friends, buying some nice champagne, and putting together some resolutions. It’s a fun time to share your commitments with family and friends, and enjoy each other’s company.
For those of us slightly insecure self-help addicts, New Year’s is an anxiety inducing landmark, since it’s the PERFECT day to start one million projects and begin the [insert year here] BETTERMENT AGENDA. Really, early December is when the panic starts setting in.
PROJECT PREPARATION MODE, COMMENCE!
Anything you don’t like about yourself? You can change it NEXT YEAR! Every…