Zodiac Signs as Taco Bell Menu Items

As you glance over the menu of life, wondering what to choose — your answer could come from the stars, or it could come from your stomach. In the neon glow of the drive-thru lights, bellies rumbling, one thing remains true: no matter what your zodiac sign is, we are all Taco Bell.

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Aquarius

You are the Spicy Tostada.

Unique and as individual as one’s sauce packet preferences — you’re the only thing like you on the menu. You’re a rebel at heart, and don’t care if you’re a convenient, portable meal. You’ve even got your own special protective paper box, which helps meet your need for space. You are always looking at the big picture, but it’s important not to forget your immediate surroundings. You might be being eaten in someone’s car, so try not to make a mess.

Pisces

You are the Triplelupa.

Head in the clouds and feet on the ground beef, your attention is always divided. You are torn between the fantasy of a large, shareable three-person meal and the reality of being ripped into thirds. You’re at your best when enjoyed in a small group. Some may see you as flaky, but that’s just because you like to daydream during your personal frying time. Remember that idealism can be great for goal-setting, but no one is going to tear you exactly on the line every time.

Aries

You are the Flamin’ Hot Doritos Locos Taco.

Honest and uncomplicated, your bright red shell lets everybody know that you’ve got a little kick to ya. You’re a motivated multitasker, ready to dive headfirst into challenges like doing both taco shell and snack ship duty at the same time. Your playfulness and zest for life make you a perfect addition to any night out with friends. Just don’t forget to keep your temper in check — take a few deep breaths and try to keep a Cool Ranch head.

Taurus

You are the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

You are a lover of luxury, and what better way to pamper yourself than an extra layer of cheese and a soft gordita shell? Incredibly stubborn, you’re the last remnant of the early Gordita era. But never one to shy away from hard work, you did what you had to do for a promotion from limited time offer to permanent menu item. You will always demand the best, but remember that every so often things won’t be quite as cheesy as you want. There’s always next time.

Gemini

You are the 7 Layer Burrito.

Like a chameleon, you meld in well with any group of friends or menu items. Though people may think you’re fairly straightforward at first glance, you do have a deeper, more flavorful layered emotional side. You’re constantly juggling all of your many hobbies, friend groups, and ingredients. Though you can trend toward loneliness, it’s important to remember that there are many other burritos in the world. Just look around at the rest of the menu.

Cancer

You are the Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

Happiest when you’re part of a pair, you can match up with anything on the menu. You’re a Taco Bell-only phenomenon, which speaks to your domestic sensibilities — you’re always at home. Though some may find you icy and cold at first, it doesn’t take long for people to warm up to you and become a friend for life. Remember to reign in your envy over the fact that people do sometimes choose other soft drinks. It doesn’t make you any less special.

Leo

You are the Nachos Bellgrande.

You are sure to turn heads as you dramatically enter the dining room in your large, plastic container. You’re shareable, so you draw a crowd. And then you enjoy having the power to decide which of your subjects will be allowed to have one of your decadent chips. Loyal and consistent, you’re a menu staple, always there when needed. Don’t forget: some people preferring other, less theatrical menu items isn’t an attack on your legitimacy.

Virgo

You are the Crunchwrap.

Like the creased, angular folds of the grilled, pressed tortilla, you are logical and practical. You’re modest, not one to let it all hang out. People may find you shy at first, as you are wrapped up tightly by your outer shell. But after getting to know you, they find you kind and supportive, like your internal crunchy tortilla. Try not to focus too much on being perfect. You’re great, even if a few tomatoes fall out now and then.

Libra

You are the Mexican Pizza.

Your deep love for art and intellectualism leaves you performing a balancing act between two different cultures. You have a huge imagination, and a Mexican/Italian fusion like you would require nothing less. If anyone tried to debate about your place in this world, you would happily step in and mediate. You struggle most with trying to keep everyone happy. Look within your layered tortillas and figure out who you really are. You don’t have to please everybody.

Scorpio

You are the Spicy Potato Soft Taco.

At first glance, you may seem to be just a regular soft taco — but you’ve got a little bite to ya. People may wonder if you’re really a taco without a protein, but you’re more than willing to take on that debate — and you’ll win. Ever the trailblazer, you were one of the first potato items on the menu. Try to remember that not everyone can handle the spice of your chipotle sauce. Use your skills of reading the room to avoid getting to a beef with someone.

Sagittarius

You are the Quesarito.

Fueled by wanderlust, you have a sealed, pressed tortilla ready to travel any place, any time. Some may call you arrogant, but it’s only because you won’t settle for the average ‘rito. Your life is a constant quest for knowledge, and you know that sometimes you have to dig a little deeper through that external quesadilla to get all the information. You’re honest, but remember to be sensitive when sharing your feelings — not everyone has as thick of an outer shell as you do.

Capricorn

You are the Power Menu Bowl.

You are focused and determined to reach your goals, meaning you’re not the type to let yourself fall prey to wasting time in a post-meal slump. At first, you may come across as cold, but once people get to know you they will learn that there is an inherent warmth to your chicken and/or black beans within. You love to follow the rules, but you don’t have to let those tendencies make you shy away from things that taste good. It’s okay to be Cinnamon Twists once in a while.

Written by

Novelist, Blogger, Comedienne. Your friendly neighborhood IT geek. Picard is my captain, Jon Snow is my Azor Ahai. Lover of shoes and irony.

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