Removed Amazon Intelligence Analyst Job Posting

“Amazon has deleted two job listings posted to its corporate employment website detailing “intelligence analyst” roles that involved, among other duties, monitoring ‘labor organizing threats’ within the company. The listings, which were posted days ago, first began circulating on Twitter earlier today, before Amazon removed them in response to widespread outcry on social media.”
— The Verge, September 2020

Intelligence Analyst

DESCRIPTION

Amazon’s Global Security Operations’ Intelligence Program is looking for an entrepreneurial intelligence analyst to join a team of tactical and strategic union-busting mafiosos. Position is located in a mountaintop lair in an undisclosed location.

This role is vital to ensuring that Amazon leadership has actionable intelligence in an up to date Burn Book that can be used to make staffing decisions. Our ideal candidate will have experience cyber-stalking as well as ingratiating themselves to a group of people that they will later betray.

KEY RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Uncomfortably disband all gatherings of more than 10 employees, even if they claim there is a “birthday” involved and offer cake
  • Provide briefings to fundamental stakeholders, including executive leadership and the Council of Doom
  • Exploit employees’ insecurities by making unions seem very uncool
  • Monitor employees’ social media accounts for mention of the word “union”, including, but not limited to: Holy Union, Civil Union, The Union Set Theory, Union College, The European Union, Union Station, Gabrielle Union
  • Destroy any large, inflatable rats within a 50 mile radius of Amazon properties
  • Be prepared to inadvertently reveal evil plans in great detail before they are fully carried out, giving some hero the opportunity to stop them

BASIC QUALIFICATIONS

  • Proven lack of empathy
  • Ability to hide sinisterly in dark corners and avoid being seen
  • Mastery of Windows, both peering through them and the operating system
  • 8+ years of experience thwarting others’ plans
  • Demonstrated ability to menacingly slice an apple with a pocket knife while having a threatening conversation
  • Skilled writer; writing sample is required and can be provided in the form of spellbook or ominous blood-pact
  • Proficiency in Microsoft Office

PREFERRED QUALIFICATIONS

  • Noticeable facial scarring
  • Maniacal laugh
  • Fluency (written and spoken) in a second language such as Orcish or Parseltongue
  • Existing group of 3–5 loyal henchmen
  • Wardrobe of dark clothing, with an emphasis on trench coats and hooded cloaks
  • Ability to transform into a bat to quickly escape detection

Unfortunately, Amazon is committed to a diverse and inclusive workplace. Amazon is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate on the basis of race, national origin, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, protected veteran status, disability, age, or other legally protected status, though we would like to. Amazon would also prefer not to provide employees with benefits such as healthcare, paid time off, or weekends.

Writer and performer based in Chicago. Sentient wheel of cheese, found online at kelleygreene.pizza or Twitter/Instagram @kelleygreene