I’m Alive During Trump’s Fifth Term and Things Are Fine

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Donald J. Trump has just been “re-elected” for his fifth four-year term, since for the 4th election cycle in a row “someone” has been spying on his campaign, entitling him to an additional term in office. And as a woman in her early 30s, I had so much fear about the future after his first term. So, I wanted to let you know — things have turned out just fine.

It’s true that we’ve had to move outside the city since it was overrun by Mad Max-esque, truck-nutz bearing militias, but we’re still able to shop in some of our favorite stores, like Traitor Joes and Suburban Outfitters. Climate change has caused nearly constant wildfires that even reminds me of the city lights! Of course the acid rain makes them smolder now and again, but that brings about a nice, hazy glow that makes the perfect Instagram filter.

If you’re wondering, he did finally get that wall built — and Mexico paid for it! There were so many Americans flooding across the border that they’d finally had enough. Interestingly, Canada is now in the process of putting up their own. I did hear that Trump is considering nuking us loose from the continent, which would make for a lot more beach front property.

It’s hard to dislike the super-funded police these days. They’re our cab drivers, restaurant workers, grocery store cashiers, teachers, doctors, and therapists. Our tax dollars are hard at work, and now every school has its own tank! And as for systemic racism — from what I’ve been hearing on the state-run media, TRUE NEWS, this seems to have been completely cleared up after Hologram Herman Cain joined Trump’s cabinet.

I remember stocking up on Plan B pills, concerned about about the outlawing of contraception and abortion. But medication expires, and on the positive side, after Pence changed the requirements, adding the skill of “Sizable American Family” to my LinkedIn has already gotten me selected as a potential Supreme Court nominee. And life expectancy was lowered to 55 since the ACA was overturned, so who cares about the toll that constant pregnancies are taking on my body? It’s really helped me learn to live in the moment.

One thing that is still just out of Trump’s grasp is the app titan TikTok. He’s unsuccessfully been trying to get it sold off to a US company since sometime in 2020 — and the teens just keep signing up for tickets to his rallies with fake email addresses week after week. It’s really kind of funny, in the way that you laugh when you’re at home but not when you’re out in public where someone could see you.

Oh and — we did eventually all get access to Covid vaccines, though some of them don’t seem to have been fully vetted by the FDA and CDC. I know this because two weeks to the day after receiving mine, two additional arms sprouted from my torso. It was a huge shock at first, but has been pretty great — I am now a much more skilled forest raker at Trump Yellowstone National Golf Course. Which, I might add, along with all the other new National Park courses across the nation, has provided thousands of jobs to the economy.

But for now, I’ve got to run. The Supreme President has chosen our course this time for his every-three-day vacation, and we’ve got to prep the golden suite. I’m up in the rotation to have my pussy grabbed.

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