I am Moff Tiaan Jerjerrod and I Can Assure You That The Death Star II is Perfectly Safe

“After 20 months on the ground, Boeing’s 737 Max will soon fly again, ending a tragic episode that cost 346 people their lives…[Boeing] got clearance for the plane to return to American skies after convincing the Federal Aviation Administration that changes in design, software and crew training would eliminate the flaws that caused fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019.”
The New York Times

As you are all aware, four years ago, a horrific incident occurred with our original Death Star. Unfortunately, it resulted in the loss of over one million crew members, and the Empire was forced to ground production while we investigated the cause. Today, after just a few short years and no additional oversight, we are proud to announce that the Death Star II has been cleared to fly!

After the catastrophic explosion of the first Death Star, we immediately began interrogating and mind probing the Empire’s best scientists and engineers. Our reporting shows that we have successfully pinpointed all of the issues that led to the first mishap. By making just a few small changes, we are confident that the Death Star II is perfectly safe.

When the investigation began, we discovered that a memo regarding structural weaknesses in the Death Star had been brought forward by a whistleblower prior to the battle of Yavin 4. However, the memo was not acted upon. It appears the Empire has a “culture of concealment”, possibly because all mistakes are rightfully punished by strangulation or severe lightsaber injury.

To confirm that these types of issues are brought to light, our new system of reporting bypasses the normal chain of command. Everything is now brought directly to Lord Vader. This has been working splendidly, as evidenced by the fact that the Death Star II is nearly complete and we haven’t had a single report. We had also struggled with crew productivity, and Lord Vader has been particularly instrumental in finding new ways to motivate them.

Likely our most regrettable action during the construction of the original Death Star was allowing the design and construction teams to manage and regulate themselves. This allowed Galen Erso to implement large exhaust ports that left the reactor core susceptible to proton torpedoes fired from outside the ship by, embarrassingly, an untrained Rebel pilot.

Let me assure you, the traitor has been handled. And on the Death Star II, we’ve replaced the concerning exhaust ports with millions of smaller exhaust ports. This way, the reactor core is completely protected from weaponry of any kind. It’s virtually impossible for the Rebels to access it and destroy the Death Star II without doing something incomprehensible, such as piloting a freighter down the cavernous interior before it’s completed and sealed.

Speaking of pilots, the Empire’s had been well trained for the large battle we anticipated, but the small Rebel force we encountered required a much quicker response time. We’ve worked to re-train our pilots for any size assault, so they can react more rapidly. Fortunately they needn’t worry about a battle, as the location of the unfinished project remains undisclosed, currently kept safe by many Bothans.

While the Death Star II remains under construction, we’ve set up an ingenious deflector shield generator off-ship. It’s located safely on a nearby moon, which is inhabited by fluffy little uncivilized bears. The little buggers are extremely primitive, and are clearly unable to launch an assault on our best auxiliary Stormtroopers with their silly little clubs, sticks, and hang gliders.

It’s actually quite cute to consider the little fuzzies leading Rebels to the generator, somehow piloting our speeders to lure troopers away from their guard posts. Or a Rebel strike team managing to infiltrate our defenses with a stolen Imperial shuttle and an old set of access codes. Truly comical to contemplate the bears using logs and ropes to assist in the destruction of our inconspicuous bunker and its gigantic satellite dish. But, I digress.

Going forward, we can assure you that we will never forget the loss of life that occurred, and we will proceed with caution. With our new safety regulations in place, we can guarantee that what happened to the original Death Star will never happen again. We look forward to transporting your crew and family soon. Long live the Empire!

Writer and performer based in Chicago. Sentient wheel of cheese, found online at kelleygreene.pizza or Twitter/Instagram @kelleygreene

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