“After 20 months on the ground, Boeing’s 737 Max will soon fly again, ending a tragic episode that cost 346 people their lives…[Boeing] got clearance for the plane to return to American skies after convincing the Federal Aviation Administration that changes in design, software and crew training would eliminate the flaws that caused fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019.”
— The New York Times
As you are all aware, four years ago, a horrific incident occurred with our original Death Star. Unfortunately, it resulted in the loss of over one million crew members, and the Empire was forced to ground production while we investigated the cause. …
Donald J. Trump has just been “re-elected” for his fifth four-year term, since for the 4th election cycle in a row “someone” has been spying on his campaign, entitling him to an additional term in office. And as a woman in her early 30s, I had so much fear about the future after his first term. So, I wanted to let you know — things have turned out just fine.
It’s true that we’ve had to move outside the city since it was overrun by Mad Max-esque, truck-nutz bearing militias, but we’re still able to shop in some of our favorite stores, like Traitor Joes and Suburban Outfitters. Climate change has caused nearly constant wildfires that even reminds me of the city lights! …
This veek sucked, again. I can’t believe it’s Halloveen and ve’re still stuck inside our mausoleum. October is the most important month of the year, and yet, here ve are, qvarantined. Just drive a vooden stake through my heart, vhy don’t you?
Vlad has been classified as an essential vurker again this month, so he’s out in public, haunting the neighborhood. But, like, how is he supposed to terrify small humans vhen he’s vearing a mask, for Molag Bal’s sake? He asked me to slice two small holes for his fangs, but it just isn’t safe. I can’t have him catching some disgusting human disease and becoming more undead. He’s 600 years old. …
“Amazon has deleted two job listings posted to its corporate employment website detailing “intelligence analyst” roles that involved, among other duties, monitoring ‘labor organizing threats’ within the company. The listings, which were posted days ago, first began circulating on Twitter earlier today, before Amazon removed them in response to widespread outcry on social media.”
— The Verge, September 2020
Amazon’s Global Security Operations’ Intelligence Program is looking for an entrepreneurial intelligence analyst to join a team of tactical and strategic union-busting mafiosos. Position is located in a mountaintop lair in an undisclosed location.
This role is vital to ensuring that Amazon leadership has actionable intelligence in an up to date Burn Book that can be used to make staffing decisions. Our ideal candidate will have experience cyber-stalking as well as ingratiating themselves to a group of people that they will later betray. …
As you glance over the menu of life, wondering what to choose — your answer could come from the stars, or it could come from your stomach. In the neon glow of the drive-thru lights, bellies rumbling, one thing remains true: no matter what your zodiac sign is, we are all Taco Bell.
You are the Spicy Tostada.
Unique and as individual as one’s sauce packet preferences — you’re the only thing like you on the menu. You’re a rebel at heart, and don’t care if you’re a convenient, portable meal. You’ve even got your own special protective paper box, which helps meet your need for space. You are always looking at the big picture, but it’s important not to forget your immediate surroundings. …
New Year’s is generally a time when people begin planning a night with friends, buying some nice champagne, and putting together some resolutions. It’s a fun time to share your commitments with family and friends, and enjoy each other’s company.
For those of us slightly insecure self-help addicts, New Year’s is an anxiety inducing landmark, since it’s the PERFECT day to start one million projects and begin the [insert year here] BETTERMENT AGENDA. Really, early December is when the panic starts setting in.
PROJECT PREPARATION MODE, COMMENCE!
Anything you don’t like about yourself? You can change it NEXT YEAR! Every self-help book you read this year and vowed to put in to practice? This. Is. …